The problem is within me, i guess.
I don’t know how to start. What to write. What exact words to express my inner shouts. Blogging has been my shout out for almost three years. I am not a good writer, though. I just love to write down my emotions slash feelings. Even my planner become a diary to me. I do not proofread most of the time. :) Nevertheless, it helps me a lot to lessen the burden and share the joy i feel inside. (too long for an intro. hehe)
I have this mind trouble, i am deeply in love with my better half since then. I never felt out of love. We see each other every weekends. That’s the only time we could have since we’re both working on weekdays. The long wait (5 days) is worthwhile whenever we’re together. But i have an attitude where i just want to be quiet, especially when there is none to say and when I am bored (“according to him: “okay lang yung tahimik ee wag lang yung nakasimangot” — i didn’t notice that i was frowning at all). Although most of the time, I can be the most talkative person in the crowd. Sometimes it would really happen when red flag is giving a sign that she’s almost there. I got irritated easily. Mood swing starts. This attitude of mine ruin our day together. :(
He wants me to change that. I’m trying, honestly. I’m doing my best. But sometimes I just can’t help it. Plus there are a lot of things running in my mind. I over think things.
This past 2 days, I became that person. I will talk and laugh, then my mood will change in just a blink. What happened was, (i think) he got mad. Even if he told me not, I can feel it. A while ago, he told me: “Sana mabago mo na yung ugali mo na un kasi baka mapuno na ko”. I replied: “I’m sorry.” There’s nothing left to say but sorry. I know it was my fault after all.
To add to that, jealousy also plays a role in here. I know I’m a jealous person but I have my reasons, though maybe for some it would be unreasonable. The moment there’s an act that makes me feel jealous, I started to be quiet and would not talk intendedly. Also, if I caught him with “something” (let’s be general on this), that would make me mad, then I would not talk the whole time we’re together. But most of the time, these are the reasons hardly to notice.
With all these written words, I realized that maybe the problem is within me. Sometimes i find it hard to express and explain. Naturally, I’m a person who has hard time sharing what’s going on her mind to anyone. But i learned to share little by little when I had him in my life.
I love him so much that there were times I want to let go of him because I know he’s having a rough time handling my attitude slash me as a whole. I don’t know but I feel it. I don’t know why i think if I’m out of his life he’ll be better. That he’ll have a happy and free life. :( I don’t know why i think he’s miserable around me. :( I don’t know if it is right and if there’d be a right time. It’s spinning my head. I’m going crazy. SH*T! :’(
PS:
he said: “ako na lang ba ang palaging manunuyo?”
The problem is within me. :(
